Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
