I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
