whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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