I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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