Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
