I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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