remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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