new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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