Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
