I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
