Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
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I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize