nut hugger
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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