it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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