it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
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we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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