'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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