So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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