Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
