Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
