Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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