I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
