i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
