Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
