some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
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i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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