She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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