eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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