i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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