Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
