Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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