I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
