The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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