saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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