i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
