Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
