fuck your aforementioned shoe
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
