I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
