its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
