who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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