God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
