Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
