there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
