Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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