I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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