I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
