He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
