i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
