I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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