would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
