you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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