if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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