dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
