So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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