I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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