just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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