Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My dad just said "fuck circus"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
