Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
